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T-Rex has feelings Though you may think he’s a dinosaur T-Rex has feelings And he wants the world to listen to him as he says “Listen to me!” T-Rex is just standing there Let’s get in closer to see what he has to say He’s going to crush that house But Dromeciomimus gets in his way. Then Utahraptor stops by Utahraptor says hi (Did that person die?) Now T-Rex is all alone T-Rex is all alone T-Rex is all alone What is T-Rex going to do? ‘Cause T-Rex has feelings Though he acts just like an animal T-Rex has feelings And he wants the world to listen to him as he says “Listen to me!” T-Rex doesn’t like to be all alone He likes to think of more awesome things instead Like what if he were made up of jillions of robots And each of the robots had a robot head? Would the thoughts of the robots be T-Rex’s thoughts Or the thoughts of the robots? It’s thoughts like these that help T-Rex forget about his feelings Unless of course it’s the robots who are thinking the thoughts Otherwise he’d just want to stomp around and crush things And tell Dromeciomimus that she’s really hot And they should test out second base and then go get a corn dog He hopes she likes corn dogs. (Why wouldn’t anyone not like corn dogs?) Yes, T-Rex has feelings And sometimes they’re confusing But T-Rex has feelings And he wants Dromeciomimus to know that he thinks She’s kinda hot! T-Rex is just standing there Turns out that corn dog plan didn’t work out so great He asked Dromeciomimus And she said she didn’t think that they should date. So he asked Utahraptor what to say And how he could go on feeling this way When he had to see Dromeciomimus every day? And Utahraptor said Maybe if you hide away your feelings you’ll be able to get by. Maybe if you hide away my feelings you’ll be able to get by. And T-Rex said Maybe if I hide away my feelings I’ll be able to get by. And that’s why T-Rex has feelings But he acts just like an animal T-Rex has feelings And he wants this girl to listen to him as he says “Listen to me!” Yes, T-Rex has feelings Though you may think he’s a dinosaur T-Rex has feelings And he wants the world to listen to him as he says “Listen to me!”

Back in summer camp On the first day they sat us in the picnic yard And they told us that fine arts camp was very hard And that all of us would have to practice very hard And they told us if we wanted to get work someday We couldn’t play our pop music or draw anime Because those things weren’t important in the real world You know that fine arts camp is all about the real world And I’ll never forget They took this one kid’s drawing of a giant robot And they told him to stop wasting his time Get in line Focus on perspective So we practiced hard, and yet We met in secret to perform the Final Fantasy opera We knew they’d say that we were wasting our time Then in undergrad In our classes they told us what was good and bad It was good if it had meaning and was serious And nothing good had been produced that wasn’t serious And they said that every time we made a song or play There should be some deeper meaning as a takeaway So the audience would get up and go stop the war Or decide that social justice was worth fighting for And I’ll never forget The way they denigrated anything reflecting pop culture How they said it was a waste of our time; we should Get in line And focus on perspective But they didn’t seem to get That to make meaning first you have to go and make a connection Otherwise you’ll just be wasting your time I’m not even going to make the old argument About Mozart being part of pop culture Or Dickens being part of pop culture Or Shakespeare being part of pop culture And how it all kinda changed with the friggin’ Rite of Spring And the subsequent decision that art was a very very very very serious thing And it wasn’t for everyone It was cultural broccoli (You know I actually kinda really like broccoli) Then in graduate school When I said in class the internet had changed the rules That the new artistic culture was the internet And that people who made art should use the internet With Web 2.0 It took the job that theater started all those years ago And gave us ways to make connections with an audience There were so many ways for us to reach an audience And I’ll never forget They told me serious performers didn’t use the internet And they told me to stop wasting class time Get in line Focus on perspective And my assignment for next class Was to restage a Restoration play in 1960 And I knew that I was wasting my time We should have been making things from the start We didn’t have to stop drawing those giant robots We should be using all our time To connect the lines And focus on creation And sure, not all of it will be art But the important thing is to make a connection And that means you won’t be wasting your time So here’s to the kid who got his giant robot drawing torn up on the first day of fine arts camp. I hope you kept drawing.

I wish I were a Questionable Content girl ‘Cause then I would be pretty I wish I were a Questionable Content girl ‘Cause then I would be hanging out with Marigold and Hanners as they played games in her room Then we’d go and take a break at Coffee of Doom Where Faye would draw a skull and crossbones Floating in my cappuccino foam And if I were a Questionable Content girl I’d be home I wish I were a Questionable Content girl ‘Cause then I’d have a boyfriend I’d have a lot of quirky little mishaps first But then I’d have a boyfriend who would Jam with me on bass guitar and then go fight the Horde I’d be the better player but he’d have the bigger sword He wouldn’t waste his energies Trying to make me something that I’m not ‘Cause if I were a Questionable Content girl I’d be hot I’d fit right in I’m not that hard to draw I wouldn’t take up space My storyline Would be how I could Roomba-sit For the Roombas at Faye and Marten and Dora’s place When they got home I’d have the house so clean Even Hanners would be scared Make sure you draw me With bigger hair… please… And if I were a Questionable Content girl I guess I’d have a robot – wow – That’s even more exciting than the boyfriend thing If I could have a robot who would Help me make decisions like which science we should try The one that might destroy the world, or the one that makes a pie And afterwards we’d eat the pie and my robot friend would autoclave the plate And if I were a Questionable Content girl That’d be great Yes, I wish I were a Questionable Content girl ‘Cause then I would be pretty and I’d get to live in Questionable Content world Where people can take lunch trays and go Sledding down a giant hill and never miss the curve Where top hats can appear at will and "science" is a verb Where birds can talk and bands can rock and parties go for days before they’re through I wish I lived in Questionable Content world Don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t forget about the bigger hair please

So now we’re all on Google Plus And now we’ve got another way to meet We’ve put up circles for the people who aren’t our friends So we don’t mess up and say something indiscrete Like complain about our jobs to our employer Or brag about a date in front of our ex-boyfriend Oh Google Plus, you are the best Except You’re another gorram thing to check. I’ve got my gmail, gchat, twitter and facebook And YouTube comments too I’ve got five email addresses that are filling up my inbox And now all of these messages from you You tell me I’m in a circle Someone plus-oned me Someone tagged me in a photograph that’s probably of me The same one they tagged me in on tumbler and flicker and facebook and posterous last year So hear me Why are we all recreating the internet On another part of the internet I don’t understand it Maybe this is my watershed Maybe I’m so old I must be dead I don’t understand what this google plus fuss is about Go ahead and tell me it’s about privacy But have you forgotten search history And how Google tracks it So these are a few of my favorite things And now Google knows it and now it will bring to me All of these ads, my search is off-kilter We’ve put together a repository of all the world’s knowledge and Google is giving it to me under a filter. Yes, here we are on Google Plus Amusing all our circles with our stuff Embedding video of cats, or of guitars As if there weren’t already quite enough And yet we all seem to be finding this appealing Yes, Google Plus has given us that “we’re not Facebook” feeling Oh Google Plus, you are the best, unless You delete our accounts for violating your TOS. Yes, baby, all your talk about blah blah privacy Turns out not to apply ‘Cause you’ve got to list yourself under the name on your birth certificate Or else Google Plus tells you bye-bye They say they’re doing it to protect us from trolls But we all know they want to keep their algorithms whole And make sure they know what the name on our credit cards likes sorry I mean plus ones So they can advertise it But why’s it So hard to let us post under our gamertags Oh Google Plus, you are such a drag You don’t understand that My name is Nicole, but my internet knows me as Blue So what can I do, I’ve spent the past seven years creating my online identity in such a way as to minimize access to stalkers I’ve had them they’re no fun and to maximize my professional and personal appearance in Google searches plus all my friends know me as Blue, that is my name for all intents and purposes So now we’re all on Google Plus And yes, of course, we’re all on Facebook too And Twitter, Flickr, Tumblr, Wordpress, YouTube, Skype, IM Just pushing our recursive postings through Until it’s hardly worth the time it takes to scan them We’ve already seen it all and it’s just content spam Oh Google Plus, you’re just like all the rest --sorry, phone beeping— Someone just plus-oned this song! Oh Google Plus, you are the best, I guess Until whatever’s coming next.

Do you want to be my sidekick We could have some fun Come on won’t you be my sidekick I wouldn’t take just anyone And I hope that you say That you’ll come with me adventuring I’ll save the world and you’ll save the day ‘Cause I love you If you were my little sidekick We could have some fun In the morning I’d make you omelette And then you’d help me get work done You see, I’m kind of a mess Unless you’re there to galvanize me Don’t know why; I guess it’s Cause I love you And I know You love me too I know You love me too Do you want to be my sidekick? We could have some fun Come on won’t you be my sidekick I like you the best of everyone And as soon as you say That you’ll come with me adventuring You’ll pack the bags, I’ll take you away ‘Cause I love you

Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Monkeys and robots and monkeys and science Monkeys and robots and monkeys and science Science and monkeys and robots and science Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Monkeys and robots and monkeys and Mathnet Monkeys and robots and monkeys and Mathnet Monkeys learn math while the robots learn science Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Monkeys and robots and monkeys and fractals Robots and monkeys and robots and neutrons Monkeys with pencils make pieces of fractals Robots build thumbs and play marbles with neutrons One of the marbles hits one of the monkeys He takes his pencil and punches the neutron And then he explodes just like all of the fractals And the monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Pieces of monkeys with pieces of robots Pieces of monkeys with pieces of robots Mathnet’s still playing, but nobody’s watching Not the pieces of monkeys or pieces of robots One little opposable thumb crawls by It picks up one tiny robot eye Robots and robots rebuild all the robots Robots and robots rebuild all the monkeys Isn’t it nice that they rebuilt the monkeys? Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots Monkeys and robots and monkeys and robots

I took my tractor And I took my roomba And I took my screwdriver And went out to the back With my husband waiting upstairs Playing Xbox He won’t miss the screwdriver He won’t know I’m not back I tried, though I tried to make a robot I tried to make a robot A robot But Halfway through the bourbon When I turned the keys And started up the tractor With the roomba parts inside And my smartphone open Showing Wikipedia’s Page for “robotics” There was nowhere I could hide When that tractor That old and rusty tractor That old familiar tractor That tractor My… I tightened a screw Its part skipped a beat I took off my gloves And put my hands upon the steering wheel So I could feel it close to me It started to move I went for a ride And somehow I knew what it felt inside And it was more than I could have ever dreamed of I thought I built a robot, but That tractor learned how to love I took that tractor And we roamed our fields And then he said he loved me With the blinking of his eyes And we woke my family And we woke my neighbors And they saw that tractor And they blinked back in surprise They said “Darling You know you built a monster What’s worse, a sentient monster A monster!” And then that tractor said “I’m not a monster And this girl is mine. We belong together; Yes, our hearts have gone through the combine.” At least that’s what I think he said I may have been distracted By the way the people looked at me And the way the crowd reacted To my tractor! [INSTRUMENTAL BREAK] When they took my tractor I might have gone insane I mean just for a moment But I guess that’s all it takes. Now I take the pills Because they take the pain Because they make me take them I guess that everyone makes mistakes. I’ll rebuild him Someday I will rebuild him Some way I will rebuild him Rebuild… I will buy a tractor And I’ll buy a roomba And I’ll buy a screwdriver And go out to the back. With my children playing upstairs Making messes They won’t miss their dinner They don’t know I won’t come back ‘Cause I love him And though I must remake him I know that he’ll still love me He’ll love me He’ll love me He’ll love me And we’ll be together forever Just me and my tractor ‘Cause I tightened a screw It’s part skipped a beat I took off my gloves And put my hands upon the steering wheel So I could feel it close to me It started to move We went for a ride And somehow I knew what it felt inside And it was more than I could have ever dreamed of I thought I built a robot, but That tractor learned how to love

This is a song about a group of people Who share more than a name John Flansburgh, John Linnell, Jon Stewart John Hodgman, Jonathan Coulton, and they All work together And it really is a shame That if you want to be a geek superstar you’ve got to have a name Like John. Or maybe know a John Who helps you meet a John Who does a show with a Jon. I could go on and on There’s this chart that I’ve drawn But I’m really here to say I wish my name was John and I was fifty years old ‘Cause if my name were John and I were fifty years old I’d get to be there In that apartment Up in Brooklyn, playing Scrabble with those Really Awesome Johns. They’re a League of Extraordinary Jontlemen And I know it isn’t fair That they exist, and I’m not them, and I’m not part of their Little circle of Johns Connective tissue of Johns Collaboration of Johns Dissemination of Johns It’s like they’re all intertwined It’s like they’re sharing a mind Why don’t they share that mind with me? I wish my name was John and I was fifty years old ‘Cause if my name were John and I were fifty years old I’d get to be there In that apartment Up in Brooklyn, playing Scrabble with those Really Awesome Johns. Yeah, I have a PC Heck yeah I have a PC I don’t even know the name of the guy who played the Mac But the coolest thing about John Hodgman Besides getting to be John Hodgman Is John Hodgman gets to hang out With awesome Ira Glass yeah! Awesome Ira Glass! With just my rhythm guitar, I’m like a John without a John Unsupervised, I need an accordion (Awesome Ira Glass) If I could be one of the Johns, if only for a day I’d jump into the circle of Johns and John it all the way I would rock with the Johns Or write a book with John Or troubadour with Jonathan Or do shows with Jon, and then We’d all get along Maybe we’d write a new song And the chorus part would say… Hey... I’m glad my name is John And I am fifty years old ‘Cause if my name weren’t John And I weren’t fifty years old I wouldn’t be here In this apartment Up in Brooklyn, playing Scrabble with those Really awesome Other men named John Wait, did you even know this? I mean, did you even know this? Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo Was written by Johns Flansburgh and Linnell for Jon Stewart Dang!

When we were kids we played all kinds of games Ninja Turtles, anyone that we Wanted to pretend we were, we’d be Mom or Dad, or Barbie, or the Red Mage in Final Fantasy Harry’s got a wand, MegaMan’s blue Grab the clothes and do what they would do We’d become whatever we wanted to Life is just the same You don’t have to go out into the woods to play You don’t have to make a suit of chain-mail armor to play I mean if you want to make a suit of chain-mail armor, that’s okay But here’s my secret to you, the world already works this way So come along and sing with me! Life is a LARP! Just think of all the stuff you did today Wake up and put on your fancy clothes Blow the snot out of your fancy nose Practice punctuality and go where responsible people go Maybe you don’t have to fight a Slime But you’d better get to work on time Make sure that your output better shine And you are on your way The other side is that whatever you want to do You grab the role and suddenly the work comes true You want to climb a mountain, got to buy the shoes All you gotta do is just be brave enough to choose So come along and sing with me! Life is a LARP! And I’ve become a rockstar I’ve become a geek rockstar Yes, I’ve become a rockstar And I have the CDs to prove it How about you? I know you think you’ve rolled and got your stats You’re already good as you can get You can’t be what you haven’t been yet Anything you want to do has some prerequisite you haven’t met Or you might say that you don’t have enough. Better roles come to people with better stuff. I say that it’s time to level up You work at where you’re at And every day try on the stats you want to play Grab the rule book, learn the rules, and start to play You’ll find that what you want isn’t so far away As long as you work at it Consistently and with focus Watching for opportunities And learning about the other players Connecting with the community And don’t forget to practice EVERY DAY So one more time, come sing with me! Life is a LARP!

It was the Guilded Age When men were men and elves were elves And dwarves were dwarves And gnomes were gnomes And dragons were dragons And smoke monsters were definitely smoke monsters And everyone else was also themselves The power of friendship brought Our heroes together TO FIGHT It might have been the power of money, though, I’m not sure I got the whole story right But anyway, they’re together now Fighting monsters and saving children Except when the children are also the bad guys ‘Cause that sometimes happens We don’t live in a perfect world Um… Guitar solo! It was the Guilded Age Watch out Payet Best! It was the Guilded Age When men were men and elves were elves And dwarves were dwarves And gnomes were gnomes Don’t call ‘em midgets, they don’t like it Seriously, they’ll hurt you while you’re sleeping And this is the part where I forgot the words And da dee dah and monsters were monsters And everyone else was also themselves It was the Guil… Ded.. Age!